I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize