Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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