I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
