my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize