There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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