8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
