Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
