You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
A+ Viking dick
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize