Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
