If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
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