i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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