party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
