at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
