Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The uberlube is also flammable
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
