I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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