I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
