how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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