So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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