I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
