Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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