I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
