why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
