i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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