From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
