We're like a lot better than the average bears
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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