3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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