Someone shit on the floor
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
