the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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