So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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