he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
