If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she told me i tasted like america
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize