Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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