I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
