I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Four minutes until I can fart!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
