i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
