Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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