i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize