I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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