i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
