remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize