ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it was like eating out sand paper
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
