Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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