I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
