rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
