dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
