i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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