I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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