Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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