i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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