i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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