It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
