I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
