Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
