after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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