Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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