I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
