I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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