Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
sarcasm needs its own font
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
