I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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