I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
