I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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