update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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