i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
