Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
pray to the hookup gods
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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