I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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