my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
