Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
