Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
